and now for something completely different

I haven't done anything cycling related - no buying, selling, or god forbid, riding my bike.  So here's a little info I've picked up from my new career.

I call it 'How to be a successful shoplifter'.  Okay - let me say first, don't shoplift.  It's a shitty thing to do and the latest video game or NFL hoodie is not worth the consequences if when you get caught.

1 - DON'T SHOPLIFT AT WAL-MART.  

Seriously, if you gotta shoplift - do it somewhere else.  Wal-Mart has cameras everyfreakingwhere.  And they are watching you.  And they will record you and hunt you down and prosecute you.   Okay, they can't prosecute you but they will call the cops faster than you can open that X-Box controller you just swiped and put down your pants. Just for fun they'll keep your photo so they can call the cops on you for trespassing if you go back again.

Addendum - Forget Target and Lowe's too.  They're almost as bad.

2 - DON'T STEAL OVER $499.99

Still planning on shoplifting?   If you insist, then make sure you're under $500.  Open up a calculator in the store and keep track - its that important.  Why?  Because when you hit the magic $500 mark, you've just left misdemeanor city and jumped into FELONY land.  No fine and a couple of hours in the county jail.  You're looking at PRISON with the big boys.

3 - LEAVE YOUR METH OUTSIDE

Why are you shoplifting?  And why at a known surveillance hell like Wal-Mart?  Well in my (admittedly limited) experience, you're probably an addle brained meth addict.  No lecture from me is going to convince you not to shoplift.  While it's obvious you're going to ignore points 1 & 2, use the few brain cells you have left to observe point 3.  Don't take your meth inside when you go to shoplift.  Leave it out in the parking lot next to a lamp post or dumpster or something.  Don't worry, you won't forget it.  You may forget your mother's name and you may forget to eat or bathe for three months but you won't forget where you left your drugs.  And nobody's going to mess with that nasty little baggie (unless you're unfortunate enough to run into another meth-tarded Wal-mart shoplifter).  So leave your meth outside so when you get caught and arrested - and you will get caught - you'll only be charged with shoplifting and won't pick up a bonus possession of meth felony charge as well.  As my good friend Justice Harris says, "Rule number one - do only one crime at a time".  It makes it much easier to negotiate a lesser punishment with the prosecutor.

And now the disclaimer...

I may or may not be a lawyer.  All you really know is I'm some random guy on the internet.  But I'm definitely not your attorney.  And while the above may sound like legal advice, it is definitely not legal advice and should be considered at most just good common sense.

Personally, I avoid Wal-Mart altogether.